You are the ones grieving.
You are the lovers, the family, and the friends. You are the hurting, the caring, the lonely ones in a crowded room. You are crossing the threshold of life without the one you love. Learning to live the everyday, the next thing, the holidays. I’ve been where you are. Alone and surrounded, mixing the cocktail of joy and suffering, happiness, and lament.
I, too, am grieving. A mother without a son. A granddaughter without grandparents. I wondered if we should go on. I wondered if the right thing was to continue our last shared activities or to find new paths during the holiday season. I wondered if we should celebrate. Is it ok to feel happy again? Is it okay to mix happiness into this grief life? Is it ok to allow joy amidst the pain?
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t walk in your shoes. I don’t share the same memories or family or loss. But I know pain and grief and suffering. I know what it feels like to force the motions, to stagger through the holidays, to hang on to the past. I also know the struggle of taking the next step, smiling through tears, and cutting through the pain in search of a glimmer of familiarity, hope, rest, or dare I say, joy.
Now, eleven years later, I am here to say grief after grief and love after love, there are a few things that seem worthy to share. Below are a few tips for managing grief during the holidays that I’ve learned along the way.
Hang on to Old Memories
Nourish your soul, tend to your heart. Keep some traditions.
It’s okay to do the same things, keep the same rhythms. After losing my son, I went through the motions because I didn’t know what else to do. It was survival. It was also connection and remembering and fear of moving on. Maybe next year will be different. Maybe not.
Some traditions are worth keeping and some deserve to be changed. Some even deserve to make a comeback several years later. Give yourself grace. Love yourself well. Do the things that fill your soul. Find the ones that help mend your broken heart.
You get to carry on their legacy because they lived, not because they died. Celebrate the life you had. Let their memory live on through you.
Here are some practical ways to keep the memories alive:
- Ask others to write down their favorite memories
- Print off pictures to display
- Put together a memory book
- Make a cookbook with your loved one’s favorite recipes
Make New Memories
Treasure the life you have.
Fill the hole with new traditions in memory of, because of, living the legacy of life, not death. Celebrate the gift you’ve been given, the life and the memories, the friendships and family. I don’t want my son’s memory to die with me. Sharing your memories through new traditions can be a wonderful way to preserve your loved one’s legacy.
Here are some practical traditions to add to your list, in memory of, because of life not death:
- Plant a tree
- Decorate a Christmas tree with special ornaments, adding new ones each year
- Make family photo albums
- Give a favorite treat away (our son’s favorite sweet treats are a must at every family gathering)
I hate this for you. I’ve struggled to even write this list because a list doesn’t lessen the pain. Tips and tricks cannot always soothe a hurting heart. Time doesn’t satisfy. What can truly comfort the hole in your heart you are left with?
Surround yourself with love. Believers, allow the gift of Jesus to bless you this season. Allow the peace of Christ to restore your soul and comfort your grieving, broken heart. Allow friends and family to hold you, help you, carry you, sustain you in this holiday season.
In closing, I hope you can rest knowing that you are not alone. This grief life is not meant to be walked alone. I hope and pray your bittersweet holidays are mixed with good memories, supportive family members, and great friends.
