Feeling anxious or uncertain about extending condolences to someone who has suffered a loss is completely normal.
Even though I have been involved in the funeral industry in one way shape or form my whole life I still sometimes struggle to know what to say at a funeral.
If you have a visitation, memorial service or funeral service to attend, my hope is that you won’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from communicating your support to those left behind.
Preparing a few heartfelt words of support in advance will help ease your mind and make certain that your sympathies are conveyed in a caring manner.
Proper Etiquette
Let’s begin by reviewing a few courtesies to bear in mind when interacting with the surviving family.
Introductions
The first thing a funeral guest who does not know the family very well or hasn’t been previously introduced should do is share their name and explain their relationship to the deceased.
Brief Conversations
The receiving line is not the place or time for lengthy discussions and long stories. Make it a point to keep your conversation short so that you don’t hold up the receiving line and keep others waiting.
Taking Cues
Everyone responds to grief in their own way. Always follow the lead of the bereaved and pay attention to their body language. It is perfectly fine if you spend more time listening than talking.
Representing Others
Always let the family know if you are representing other relatives or friends at the funeral. They will appreciate knowing that their support system extends beyond those who came to the service.
Initiating Conversation
Paying respects and having healing conversations are essential parts of the funeral process.
Classic sentiments such as, “I am sorry for your loss” and “My thoughts are with you and your family” are appropriate under most circumstances. These simple phrases show that you recognize the significance of the loss.
If you were close to the person who passed away, consider opting for a more personal message such as, “He was a dear friend to me.” or “I will always remember all of the wonderful things she did for me.”
Mentioning a favorite memory or sharing what you will miss the most about the person are fitting as well. And, if the family is religious, you can let them know that you will keep them in your prayers.
Offering to Help
Many people say things like, “Let me know if there is anything I can do” and “Call if you ever need to talk” at end-of-life services.
Even though statements such as these are well-meaning, they inadvertently place the task of reaching out on the person recovering from the loss.
Grief counselors will often recommend that family members and friends offer to do something specific such as preparing a meal, helping with housework, or making a trip to the grocery store.
The bereaved can then accept or decline the offer based on what they feel they need at the time.
Expressing Emotion Considerately
Funerals are intended to provide a healthy platform for members of the community to openly mourn and outwardly express emotion.
Getting choked up or a little teary-eyed when is certainly understandable. With that being said, guests should not lose sight of the fact that they are there to comfort the bereaved, not to receive support for their own grief.
Someone who becomes overly emotional should politely excuse themself from the gathering and return once they have regained their composure. Others will understand.
When You Can’t Find the Words
If you approach the family and find yourself at a loss for words, don’t be alarmed. There is nothing wrong with merely saying that you are so sorry but just don’t know what to say.
Any effort you put forth to express your solidarity and concern will be welcomed. A warm handshake, or hug can be just as impactful as spoken words.
Rest assured that your presence alone will assure them that they are not alone in their grief.
Better Left Unsaid
While knowing what to say at a funeral is important, it is also equally important to know what NOT to say.
There are certain phrases that may come across as insensitive, even though they are said with kind intent.
For example, it is best not to use any clichés or platitudes, as they could do more harm than good. And statements such as, “You will be able to move on,” or “Perhaps you’ll get married again,” are also better left unsaid.
Another faux pas is suggesting that a death was a blessing or that it was someone’s time. Such phrases could minimize a person’s grief. And lastly, regardless of your own experiences, refrain from saying that you know what bereaved is going through.
A Few Encouraging Words
My hope is that the suggestions in this blog will help you prepare for the next visitation, memorial service, or funeral that you attend.
I would love to hear from you. Please share any thoughts or ideas in the comments section below. Something you have to say may just help someone else.
