Feeling anxious or uncertain about extending condolences to someone who has suffered a loss is completely normal. Even though I have been involved in the funeral industry in one way, shape, or form my whole life, I still sometimes struggle to know what to say at a funeral.
My hope is that you won’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from communicating your support to those left behind. Preparing a few heartfelt words in advance will help ease your mind and make certain that your sympathies are conveyed in a caring manner.
Today, I will be sharing some perspectives and suggestions for what to say in various settings—including before the service, in the visitation line, after the funeral, and at a memorial service.
General Etiquette for What to Say to Those Grieving
Let’s begin by reviewing a few courtesies to bear in mind when interacting with the surviving family.
Initiating Conversation
If you don’t know the family very well or haven’t met them before, the first thing you should do is introduce yourself and explain your relationship to the deceased. Also, let them know if you are representing other relatives or friends. They will appreciate knowing that their support system extends beyond those who came to the service.
From there, offer your respects, as these conversations are essential parts of the funeral process. Classic sentiments such as, “I am sorry for your loss” and “My thoughts are with you and your family” are appropriate under most circumstances. These simple phrases show that you recognize the significance of the loss.
If you were close to the person who passed away, consider opting for a more personal message such as, “He was a dear friend to me.” or “I will always remember all of the wonderful things she did for me.”
Mentioning a favorite memory or sharing what you will miss the most about the person is fitting as well. And, if the family is religious, you can let them know that you will keep them in your prayers.
Take Their Cue
Everyone responds to grief in their own way. Always follow the lead of the bereaved and pay attention to their body language. It is perfectly fine if you spend more time listening than talking.
Offering to Help
Many people say things like, “Let me know if there is anything I can do” and “Call if you ever need to talk” at end-of-life services. Even though statements such as these are well-meaning, they inadvertently place the task of reaching out on the person recovering from the loss.
Grief counselors will often recommend that family members and friends offer to do something specific, such as preparing a meal, helping with housework, or making a trip to the grocery store.
The bereaved can then accept or decline the offer based on what they feel they need at the time.
Expressing Emotion Considerately
Visitations, funerals, and memorial services are intended to provide a healthy platform for members of the community to openly mourn and outwardly express emotion. Getting choked up or a little teary-eyed is certainly understandable. With that being said, guests should not lose sight of the fact that they are there to comfort the bereaved, not to receive support for their own grief.
Someone who becomes overly emotional should politely excuse themself from the gathering and return once they have regained their composure. Others will understand.
When You Can’t Find the Words
If you approach the family and find yourself at a loss for words, don’t be alarmed. There is nothing wrong with merely saying that you are so sorry but just don’t know what to say.
Any effort you put forth to express your solidarity and concern will be welcomed. A warm handshake or hug can be just as impactful as spoken words. Rest assured that your presence alone will assure them that they are not alone in their grief.
Things Better Left Unsaid
While knowing what to say is important, it is also equally important to know what NOT to say. There are certain phrases that may come across as insensitive, even though they are said with kind intent.
For example, it is best not to use any clichés or platitudes, as they could do more harm than good. And statements such as, “You will be able to move on,” or “Perhaps you’ll get married again,” are also better left unsaid.
Another faux pas is suggesting that a death was a blessing or that it was someone’s time. Such phrases could minimize a person’s grief. And lastly, regardless of your own experiences, refrain from saying that you know what the bereaved is going through.
What to Say at a Funeral: Tips for 4 Different Settings and Circumstances
Let’s now break down what to say in different situations to better help you feel at ease when comforting the bereaved.
1. What to Write in a Condolence Card
There may be situations where attending a funeral service or remembrance is simply not possible. In such cases, sending a card or flowers can be a nice alternative. However, finding the right words can sometimes feel challenging.
The best approach is to keep your message short and sincere. Start by extending your condolences (e.g., “My heart goes out to you and your family”). If you knew the departed, share a fond memory or a meaningful sentiment. Conclude with a show of support (e.g., “You are in my thoughts. I’m here if you need anything.”).
Although the bereaved may not be able to absorb every message right away, they will likely find solace later in reading your card and appreciate the kindness behind your gesture.
2. What to Say in Line at a Visitation
When offering condolences in a visitation line, strive to keep your words brief to avoid causing delays for others waiting. A simple, heartfelt statement like “I want to express my condolences” or “My deepest sympathies for your loss” is more than enough. There’s no need to overthink it—feeling a little awkward in these moments is okay. What truly matters is that you’re there.
When greeting the family, a handshake or a hug are often appropriate, though it’s wise to let the bereaved guide the interaction.
Lastly, as a general rule, avoid commenting on the appearance of the deceased unless the family brings it up. If the topic does arise, keep your remarks positive, such as, “They look peaceful” or “The funeral home did a lovely job.”
3. What to Say to Someone Going to a Funeral
If you’re not personally attending the service but have a family member or friend who is, it can be tough to know what to say to someone before they attend a funeral.
Whether you speak to them in person or send a text on the day of the service, consider a message of condolence or support.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Keep it brief and say something like “Thinking of you today.”
- Acknowledge the difficulty: “I know today will be tough. I wish you strength and support as you say goodbye and celebrate their life.”
- Express optimism: “I hope the funeral is a beautiful tribute.”
- Offer your support: “If you need someone to talk to or help with anything later, I’m here for you.”
Don’t worry about finding the perfect words. What truly matters is letting them know they’re not alone.
4. What to Say at a Memorial Service
Memorial services can vary in tone. Some are similar to traditional funerals, while others are less formal and focus on celebrating a life well lived. Regardless of the ambiance, you will still want to introduce yourself (if needed) and offer your condolences.
Remember that memorial services often allow more time for sharing memories and stories. If you have an anecdote to recount, this is a wonderful opportunity to do so.
A Few Encouraging Words
My hope is that the suggestions in this blog will help you prepare for the next visitation, memorial service, or funeral that you attend.
I would love to hear from you. Please share any thoughts or ideas in the comments section below. Something you have to say may just help someone else.
