Tiffany Nardoni is a gifted writer and published author from Danville, IL. Tiffany and her husband, Jeff, lost their beloved 5-year-old son, Thao, in 2012.
With grace and compassion, Tiffany uses her writing to provide comfort and support to those who have also suffered a loss. She courageously shares her own personal experiences and offers 10 tips for healthy grieving.
I can’t catch my breath. Again. My heart races. I want to run but there’s no place to go. I can’t outrun this. This is life. This is grief.
Most of the time I hold it together in front of you. You’d probably never know I cry myself to sleep. I write about him. I remember him. I can close my eyes and I can hear him. I want you to ask me about him, say his name. I want you to remember, too.
I’m rather decent at sitting in the grief, lamenting over loss and walking with the lonely. I’ve had a lot of practice, seasons of grief, waves of despair, wondering and asking why.
Sometimes I want to hide. Sometimes I want to wake up to a different life, one without this pain. One without this hole. One where everything is actually ok and I don’t struggle to breathe again.
A life where I can answer questions about my family without pausing to assess the situation. Do I really want to get into all that right now? And if I fail to mention Thao’s name, I walk away full of guilt.
There’s just so much broken in this life. Pain and suffering, loss and disease, tragedies and death. And then there’s us. The ones left behind to carry on, sometimes almost feeling whole and sometimes dragging pieces of a broken heart behind us.
Everyone Grieves Differently
Everyone responds to pain in varying ways. Everyone cycles through seasons of hope and despair.
Sometimes we believe there’s an order to things. Somehow our brains want us to grieve in a way that makes sense but our bodies and hearts don’t cooperate.
I’m here to tell you, sometimes grief doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t have to make sense for us to grieve or to show up for the ones grieving. It’s just something we must do.
We must have grace for each other because it’s really true, our grief dance is just not the same as the next person’s. I’ll sit with the suffering while my heart breaks.
Some people stay busy and grieve in bits and pieces. Some people need to be alone to grieve and others need support groups and hand holders. And all of it is okay.
Embracing Grace
The grief journey is a lifelong marathon and we are all just running at a different pace. None of it is wrong. All of us need patience and grace.
So we have grace for the grievers who are struggling to make it make sense. Grace for the ones who are lonely. Grace for the ones who are stuffing it, hiding it, avoiding it.
Grace for the ones who just cannot muster up the energy to grieve right now. Grace for the ones who don’t talk about it. Grace for the ones who only talk about it.
Grace for the ones in the valley and for the ones holding it all together. At least they look like they are. Grace for the bad days. Grace for the good days. I promise they will come.
Coping and Navigating Grief
As with most things in life, how we deal with things can be good or bad, beneficial or detrimental, can spur us on to health and healing and joy or drag us down to unhealthy and excessive baggage and maybe a little too much sadness.
What I know about coping is mostly learned through experience. How I’ve coped in healthy and unhealthy ways through loss and grief and how I’ve parented children with a background of trauma and loss.
Yes, I’ve taken classes and sat with friends. I’ve read books and listened to podcasts, but I’ve walked this road and I’ve walked beside others, too.
So let’s talk about how we can grieve in a positive, meaningful way.
1. Acknowledge and Talk about the Pain
Grief is hard on us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This pain of grief will not leave your body and heart completely, but you do not have to carry the burden alone. Talk about it and get it out.
2. Journaling
Sometimes talking about your loss feels like too much, or you just can’t get through, or maybe the feelings and thoughts are bubbling over when no one is around. Journaling is a way to get it out and start processing these feelings.
3. Friends
Let friends help and take care of you. Let them feed you, be with you, do things for you. Communicate the needs you have because they may not know what you need. When they ask, answer honestly.
4. Family
They can be your biggest help or let’s be honest, your hardest company. Because they are family, grieving may feel harder with them. Lean on each other. Talk about it, share stories and memories. Sometimes in our grief it’s good to take care of one another.
5. Counseling
Talk to a counselor or therapist. Sometimes we just need someone to help us through, give outsider guidance, or help us find ways to cope. Sometimes we just need to know the way we grieve is okay or normal and sometimes we need permission to grieve.
6. Community
Find that community who knows you, loves you, listens to you, calls you out and will spur you on to a healthy, new normal. You can find great community in grief groups and faith establishments such as local churches.
7. Books
Sometimes therapy or counseling feels a bit intimidating. There are some great resources from counselors or other grievers who have been on this road a bit longer than us.
8. Groups
A quick google search for local grief groups is super helpful. There are groups available where you can just go and listen or groups where you can share. Either way you are connecting with other grievers. It makes us feel not so alone.
9. Remember
Don’t be afraid to remember. Write down memories, speak memories, share memories. Remember while you can because time passes quickly and these memories will slowly fade away.
10. Keep Going
I know this is a hard one. But we must choose to keep going. Not just getting up and surviving each day. While we must allow ourselves time and space to grieve, we must also allow ourselves time and space to live.
